Monologue Jokes

I watch the news every morning, read the trending topics online, and am generally aware of what is going on in this world…and so I will write jokes about it.

5/12

Trump fired Comey then says, “I’m looking to create jobs.” Guess he’s taking the one at a time approach. 

4/24

President Obama resurfaced today, giving his first public speech at a university in Chicago. Here is how he opened his remarks:


4/14

A scorpion fell from an overhead bin on a United flight and stung a passenger. Reports are coming in that the scorpion was bitter about being reaccomodated from his already purchased seat. 

4/5

Amid millions of dollars worth of sexual harassment settlements and scandals, apparently Roger Ailes is going to be the subject of a Showtime mini series. And so to the question, is this really the world we’re living in? The answer is 

3/30

Samsung released their new phones today, which are water resistant. Good for when you drop it in the ocean, bad for when it spontaneously combusts. 

3/23

The House will vote on the new healthcare bill today but many are saying it’s dead in arrival. Which is also what most Americans will be if the bill passes. 

3/17

Happy St. Patrick’s day, an especially meaningful holiday for Donald Trump, whose tiny hands and obsession with gold can only indicate leprechaun ancestry. 

3/13

Trump advisor Kellyann Conway doubled down on Obama wiretapping claims, saying it’s been proven that the government can use technology such at TV and microwaves to spy. So for the government Netflix and chill is turning into Netflix and spill. 

3/8

Today is international Women’s Day and many are celebrating by taking part in A Day Without Women. Or as the staff in Donald Trump’s White House calls it, Wednesday. 
3/5

You’re asking the same body of people who couldn’t figure out if a dress was white and gold or blue and black, so don’t count on an answer here, sir. 

3/1

So…did you guys see the bachelor?


2/27

Warren Beatty mistakenly announced La La Land as winner of Best Picture at the Oscars when in fact Moonlight was chosen. Beatty says it was an honest mistake, Trump, I’m sure says it was just another classic example of coastal elites to make fake news. SAD!

2/24

If you read the lede of this story in the tone of a movie trailer voice over guy, this  would be the scariest movie of all time. 


2/23

President Trump reversed and Obama administration ruling that transgender people could use the bathroom of their gender identity. Trump’s decision goes against education secretary Betsy DeVos. So I’m the last week, Democrats have found themselves praising a Trump pick (McMaster) and agreeing with sworn enemy DeVos, which must represent the first two horsemen of the apocalypse. 

2/22

A video is going around showing Melanie Trump flinching when her husband, President Trump, touched her arm. Now, to be fair, I make the same face whenever I get that gross cheeto dust on myself, too! That shit stains. 

2/20

China is trying out a new TV dating show that gives parents control of their kids’ mates. So, just another thing China stole from the US:


2/19

President Trump apparently is concerned about nonexistent terror attzcks in Sweden. But to be fair he had just spent the entire day trying to put together an IKEA bookshelf at the “Winter White House” on which he planned to display framed tweets. So when he clumsy figure that out the only natural leap is some kind of terroristic threat in Sweden. 

2/17

President Trump held an impromptu press conference yesterday in which he disparaged the media, called Russia a ruse, and lied about his election win. Here’s a quick look at some footage of the incredible 77 minutes. 

2/16

A lot of people are talkin about a possible impeachment of Trump. But don’t worry, I’m sure tickets will go on sale soon, wih Nordstrom card holders eligible for a special presale!

2/14

As Donald Trump continues to put national security at risk by having traditionally classified discussions in full view of servers and members at Mar-A-Lago, here seems to be an uptick in applications for work at the resort, with many of the resumes’ skills sections noting the applicants’ excellent note-taking abilities. 

Before getting the refugees, the Trump administration will have to practice extreme vetting at Mar-A-Lago.

2/10

It appears Donald Trump is on a mission to ensure no one but him is allowed to tweet again. One terrible 

Finger-crushing 

Awkward handshake at a time. 

2/9

A fire at a nuclear plant in France led to a nuclear explosion, although there is no danger of nuclear contamination. Authorities are looking for this man in connection wih  the incident:  

2/7

In his third week of life outside the office of President, Barack Obama continued to act like a college freshman away from home for the first time. Imagine a press secretary giving a briefing on his post-White House schedule. ‘”Along with kite surfing and backward baseball hat wearing, Obama has a tattoo appointment and keg stand scheduled for later in the week. ”

2/6

Today Queen Elizabeth celebrates her Saphire Jubilee, which means she’s spent 65 years on the throne, not that she opened a strip club. 

2/2

A report in the New York Times has President Trump’s doctor revealing that Trump takes hair growth pills. No word in if he takes tie growth pills as well, but safe bet is yes, since his ties are getting longer with each passing day. 

2/1

Apparently the Westminster Dog Show added cats to the program. Which is fine, because America added reality stars to the White House so everything is pretty much even now. 

On the news this morning there was a report that adult swaddling — wrapping adults in blankets and rocking them to sleep — has become popular…especially in Washington where more and more democrats are found on the floor of their offices in the fetal position. 

1/31

President Trump is announcing his Supreme Court pick in prime time tonight. No word yet on if Mark Brunette is producing or if there will be a car waiting to take the loser away. 

1/27

President Trump thought he had trouble with the women’s march when he was just trying to take away their rights? Just wait until he puts that 20% tax on their Mexican-imported tequila!

1/26

A red panda is missing from a US zoo after her male partner allegedly pushed her out of a tree. These must be the criminal immigrants President Trump warned us about!

1/25

President Trump is going to investigate what he believes to be massive voter fraud which caused him the popular vote. In a recent poll, 100% of dead people responded that this investigation is ridiculous. Not sure how they voted, but whatevs!

1/24

Yesterday press secretary Sean Spicer gave a briefing and had trouble getting out the word memorandum, widely accepted as the hardest word to say since vitameatavegamin. 

With Ryan Gosling and Justin Timberlake each receiving Oscar nominations, we’ll finally get the Mickey Mouse Club reunion we’ve all been waiting for: 

1/22

Yesterday millions of people around the world participated in Women’s Marches to protest the inauguration of Donald Trump. I can’t help but imagine the missed connections page on Craig’s List today, talk about a great way to get in contact with a huge amount of people. “I saw you at the march wearing a pink hat, holding a sign that said, ‘We will overcomb!'” All of a sudden your inbox is filled with hundreds of emails, ‘OMG that was me!”

1/20

At an inauguration event, Donald Trump entered to the song, Heart of Stone, which I guess will permanently replace Hail to the Chief for him.

1/18

At her confirmation hearing, potential Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos could not agree to a ban on guns in schools, citing potential grizzlies as a reason why. The news left thousands of mascots shaking in their paws.
11/17

President-elect Trumps’ approval ratings interning office are at historic lows. In fact, we haven’t seen approval ratings after an election this low since Taylor Hicks won American Idol.
1/12

Apple is looking to break into Hollywood and will soon be producing original movies and TV shows. So looks like iMovies are going to be more than just what teenagers use to make videos for school projects and sweet 16 parties.

1/11

I took a break to work on a project, but I’m back now!

Reports that Russian agents have compromising information on Donald Trump — including photos of Trump receiving a golden shower from prostitutes— is being deemed fake news. Obviously it’s fake, we all know Trump would never pay for a prostitute, he just grabs women by the pussy at will.

On the flip side, it’s common knowledge that Trump loves things covered in gold so this one is a tough call.

12/28

Russia admitted to orchestrating a massive state-sponsored doping scheme. But to be fair, when your fitness goal is Putin shirtless on a horse, you do whatever you can to achieve such perfection.

There was a scare at Trump Tower causing an evacuation. Luckily, president Elect Trump wasn’t in the building. He was in Florida, having flown south for the winter along with the birds living in his hair nest.

12/27

Donald Trump blasted the UN, calling it a club where people just get together and talk, apparently confusing it with his mother’s book club.

12/23

Shortly after Putin talked about greatly increasing nuclear arms, Trump tweeted nearly the exact same words. Personally, I miss the good old days when th Trunps only plagerized sane people.

In more Trump news, a man was kicked off a flight for supposedly harassing Ivanka Trump and her family. Most shocking, Ivanka was flying commercial, in coach, IN A MIDDLE SEAT.

12/22

Michigan is opening the first cobranded Applebees/IHOP restaurant so customers can finally get that rooty tooty Four cheese Mac and cheese combo with a beer and a side of loneliness, because who in god’s name is going to an Applebee’s/IHOP combo restaurant.

Emma Stone says directors have been stealing he jokes and giving them to male costars. But she’s got an Oscar nomination and another one on the way, so joke’s on them.

12/21

Apparently toxic smoke has been blanketing China this past week. Finally, something made in China we’re not interested in importing.

It was announced that ESPN will be partnering with The Bachelor to run an actual Bachelor fantasy league, a very important problem solved. Still waiting on the announcement that the Bachelor is partnering with the non-white community to have equal representation, though.

12/20

In the electoral college vote yesterday, apparently, more of the Hillary Clinton electors defected from voting for her than those defecting from Trump, which seems like the ultimate rejection from your safety college.

The Hollywood Reporter came out with an article praising some of the industry’s oldest working entertainers including Betty White, Cloris Leechman, and Dick Van Dyke, all of whom are in their 90s. Not included: Keith Richards (who just looks like he’s in his 90s), or Pope Francis, who was named the most entertaining Pope of all time by this girl.
12/14

Kanye West met with Donald Trump yesterday. You can assume they had long discussions about their love of speeches about refusing to accept voting results.
12/13

It’s been announced that Exxon Mobile tycoon Rex Tillerson will be nominated as Secretary of State while Rick Perry was tapped as energy secretary. No surprises with either choice considering President Elect Trump seems to be choosing cabinet members based on who they are friendly with. Tillerson has known ties to Putin and Russia and Perry is bros with Vanilla Ice.

Actually, Vanilla Ice might be useful to Perry in his new role. If you remember, when Perry ran for president in 2012 he vowed to eliminate the department of energy, and Vanilla Ice is great at getting rid of things, like his career.
12/12

Over the weekend President-elect Trump flat out refused to accept the report from our highest intelligence agencies that stated that Russia was interfering in the election. In fact he called it “ridiculous.” And he instituted a new country motto:

12/9

Taylor Swift and Zayn surprise dropped a new song called, “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever.” Which we can assume is a reaction to the news that the US life expectancy has dropped for the first time in more than 20 years.
12/8

Apparently life expectancy in the United States has actually gone down for the first time in more than 20 years. 2016 — the year bodies just chose to die sooner rather than see what other nonsense the year could bring.
12/6

The Grammy Award nominations came out today and, yes, Adele has already won all of them.
12/4

Last night Donald Trump “tried” to watch the SNL skit where they made fun of his ludicrous tweets, to which he took offense…and then tweeted about. Which is the same thing as me going to Dunkin Donuts, not finding my favorite donut, then complaining about it while also just buying a different donut. I’m not fixing the problem, I’m just complaining loudly yet contributing to the very thing that’s wrong.

If Donald Trump tried to understand climate change as much as he tried to watch SNL, he’d still think it was cause by Chinese because he’d spend the first minute typing in climate change into google, then get offended when google came up with suggestions to finish his search, then he’d tweet about how biased google is.
12/1

Jessica Chastain has a new movie coming out called Ms. Slone in which she plays a woman fighting th gun lobby. The ads on television are promising a “twist you’ll never see coming.” Which will only pay off if at the end of the movie they say that common sense gun control laws had actually been passed.
11/30

With dronejacking on the rise, new security measures are being put in place for drone users. They now have to wait in a long line, take off their shoes, and get patted down by a TSA officer. Admittedly, the security measures do nothing to stop the jacking, but it really deters people from buying those annoying drones in the first place.

11/29

After Black Friday, small business Saturday, and cyber Monday, we’ve reached giving Tuesday. Which is when your credit cards scream, “I’m giving up!”

California is trying to tax your streaming services like Netflix, Hulu and Amazon. So all those people saving money on dating by opting for Netflix and Chill, you might want to insert a toll to your couch to recoup some money.
11/22

President Obama gave out the presidential medal of freedom today to the honorees. What is the over under on how many years before Omarosa gets hers?
11/19

Today Donald Trump asked the cast of Hamilton to apologize to VP-elect Mike Pence after what he called harrassment. Instead of asking for him to fight for equality, I guess the cast should have just grabbed him by the balls. Then there would have been no problems at all.

 

11/18

Kanye West went on a pro-Trump rant during a recent concert. Not sure if that was part of Donald Trump’s beautiful dark twisted fantasy. But Yeezus is definitely watching the White House throne as he eyes his 2020 run.

11/17

Yesterday, a track and field runner was hit by a deer while in the middle of the race. Now look, we’re all excited about the Gilmore Girls revival but there’s no need to play out all the scenes in real life!

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11/16

Dominos delivered their first pizza via drone yesterday in New Zeland. The flight took less than five minutes. Which means the Pepto Bismol delivery drone came in right behind it in less than seven minutes.
11/15

People Magazine named their Sexiest Man Alive today and in a shocking twist, Vladimir Putin claimed the title. Weirdly, the press release was written in Russian and inexplicably stated that there was no hacking involved in the choice.

Actually, Dwayne Johnson was chosen as the Sexiest Man Alive. I guess People Magazine smelled what the Rock is cooking — a potential presidential run in 2020 and an opportunity to appeal to the white women who read their magazine that you can assume will make up his base.
11/14

I guess when Trump said he was going to “drain the swamp” he meant that he was going to drain it so he could get to the very bottom and take the people there and put them in his cabinet.

11/11

Donald Trump and President Obama met at the White House yesterday. So did Melania and Michelle, which ensures the peaceful transfer of the FLOTUS twitter handle and, I assume, a list of tweets Michelle has and was planning to send that Melania can take credit for.

11/10

Now that Trump is the president elect, Russia is now willing to renew their relationship with the US to which all the Trump supporter raised a drink…a WHITE Russian.

It looks like Chris Christie will find a place in Trump’s cabinet, which makes sense, because no one has more experience in cabinets than Chris Christie, who spends most of his nights raiding all of the ones in his home.

11/8

Hillary Clinton brought out Bruce Springsteen to perform on the last day of her more than 500-day campaign, which is exceedingly appropriate because I think that’s how long his last concert was.

Last night the “anti-rigging” candidate, Donald Trump, announced that known-cheaters and game-riggers Tom Brady and Bill Belichick were supporting him. Makes sense, all the things those three men try to grab wind up being deflated.

11/7

Donald Trump made up an award and gave it to himself…because President of the United States isn’t available to him anymore.

FBI director Comey came out yesterday to report that there would be no charges against Hillary Clinton based on the new emails. President Obama, Bernie Sanders, half of the voting republic and majority of the rest of the world responded to the news with a resounding, “duh.”

It’s been reported that Donald Trump has had his Twitter privileges taken away by his campaign advisors. In unrelated news, there have been reports of a Twitter troll with an egg profile picture claiming everything from Project Runway to the New York City Marathon is rigged, and rating Huma Abedin, “a 5 at best.”

So now Trump has to ask permission from one of his staffers before posting a tweet himself. That’s actually good practice for him though, because when he’s president he’ll have to ask Putin permission before making any major policy decisions.

At the New York City Marathon yesterday it seems like a record number of people who started the race did not finish. Yeah, turns out they ran to Canada instead of the finish line in anticipation of the election on Tuesday. Ironically, the winners of the race were both immigrants.

11/5/16

With the election coming up on Tuesday, both campaign teams are readying the locker rooms for the champagne celebration that will follow the win. Neither side — nor America in general — knows what the end result will be, however ALL are supremely confident that one way or another, Bill Murray will be in attendance at the victory party.

I hear Fitbit’s stock has been falling lately. So has my step count ever since the fall TV season started.

 

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